Livid in the City

Sometimes I wish that there was some twenty-four hour hotline you could call just to bitch about things...Things that are so unimportant they are important...

I know that makes no sense.

I completely understand that men need porn. I understand that a male of 24 years old has the nearly unquenchable desire to have sex 24/7/365. I also understand that when anyone is in a relationship for longer than six months he may occasionally fantasize about someone else.

But you don't SAY their name. Especially not when you are in the middle of the best love making session you may possibly have ever had, or will EVER have.

I almost thought that I didn't hear it..It was the name "Jessica" and I thought, "WHAT? Who the HELL is Jessica?" and then I thought, certainly not. In the middle of kissing my forhead in the middle of sex..Surely it was just a groan, a different sounding groan...

And then this morning I was trying to upload some photos to photobucket and when i hit the upload button this box pops up with stuff that's saved on the computer. Now, mind you, he deleted all the porn he had off of the computer and all the hard-drives...So I'm like..Did he forget this? Was this accidental?

It was buried DEEP within a folder--which was in another folder, and then another folder, and then ANOTHER folder--and it was created, when, you might ask? Yesterday afternoon while I was asleep. I thought that he might have been on a porn site that downloaded it without him knowing...It opens with WINDOWS MEDIA PLAYER. Not to mention the fact that one of the pictures that popped up was of Emma Watson that someone edited to make her look all naked and I was the one who accidentally found it (I recently started reading Twilight and my FH suggested that I go to Rule 34 [If it exists there's porn of it] to see if there was, indeed porn of it and the picture was on the first page.)


There was porn of Jessica Alba, Nicole Kidman, and Halle Berry, of all people....and then when I was outside smoking in a rage, I realised....Jessica ALBA...HE WAS THINKING ABOUT JESSICA ALBA WHILE MAKING LOVE TO ME BETTER THAN HE EVER HAS!!!!!!!

I'm livid. I am furious. I have never been so embarassed in my life, and on top of all this my sex drive, which after that AWESOME sex was like over the moon, has now dropped down to -100%. I think..I'm a NUN!!! NUN!!! And NONE is what he'll be getting...

And I have no proof on if that is what he said or not, but it just makes to much sense!!

His only response to my informing him that they were there was, "What???"

No secrets among friends.

So, tonight was totally fucked up. I don't know how it happened, but it did. Once again i am the least drunk of anyone that was in my house tonight. I think I need to stop drinking for a month or so and go from there.

I've never been on the computer in bed. This is a weird thing for me.

Tonight I am playing at open mic night and I'm almost terrified. I only played and sang at the same time once by myself in public and I was scared out of my skin. So bad that I fucked up really bad. But nobody noticed and I guess thats the best thing anyone can hope for.

Hey. Been tryin to meetchoo.

Love the Pixies.

I want to say so much but at the same time I don't. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing anymore I don't think. I've been diagnosed as depressed but I already knew that. My whole body hurts. Cigarettes make me nauseous. Food makes me nauseous. Mountain Dew makes me nauseous. Moving gives me a headache...Make that migraine. My back is killing me.

Born to multiply. Born to gaze into night skies.

I love the Shins.

I have been so stressed out over...something...That my left eye keeps twitching and I haven't started my period yet. It may be the stress and the depression together, but one or the other or both have fucked me up.

Haven't laughed since January. You try to make like this is so much fun, but we know it to be quite contrary.

Still love the Shins.

I don't have the tv on. I'm done with all the bullshit of tonight...And there was quite a good portion of it.

There was a power outage tonight...It was insane. Me and Steph were on the balcony smoking and all of the sudden the power in the apartment flashed a bunch of times and there were booming sounds with it and then the power went out completely and there was a gigantic, echoing, boom! And it was dark for a while and me and Steph were like...WTF! And then through the darkness we hear Opie in the house--by himself say, "I'm scared!!!"

It was sore funny. And WEIRD.

Blow off Sorrow goodbye tomorrow.

Yeh...Coheed.

I had one of those once. I had a tomorrow with Sorrow. Now I'm on my own and the thing that got me through for so long is over and no more Sorrow of Her Evil and I'm a solo act. I never knew how much the band meant to me until it was suddenly over and gone and...Blow off
Sorrow--GOODBYE tomorrow.

I'm going after the solo piano thing. But I don't know if I can do this on my own. I've been in a band with three other people for so long that I don't know...

And when I didn't have anything I always had the band...and now all I do is sit at the house and obsess about the future and wait on it to get here.

And I'm so sad now.

This says it all...Ta, Amanda...

"You can have Washington
I'll take New Jersey
You can have London but I want
New York City

I should get Providence
I've got a job now
Los Angeles obvious
That's where you belong now

You can have Africa, Asia, Australia
As long as you keep your hands
Off of Cafe Pamplona

We can split Germany
Right down the middle
You'd hate it there anyway
Take Berlin

And we'll call it even

You can have all of the
Carry on baggage
I'll trade the saskia jokes
For the alphabet language

And special occasions
We'll split between parents
Who forced them to hate them
On alternating weekends

You call it over and
I call you psycho
Signifigant other
Just say we were lovers

And we'll call it even

We'll call it even

I am the ground zero ex-friend you ordered
Desguised as a hero to get past your borders
I know when I'm wanted
I'll leave if you ask me to
Mind my own business
And speak when I'm spoken to
I am the tower around which you orbited
I am not proud I am just taking orders
I fall to the ground within hours of impact
I hit back when hit and attack when attacked

You get route two
Between Concord and Lexington
I want Mass Ave.
From the square to my apartment

And if we should meet
Through some misunderstanding
I'll be very sweet,
Very patient,
And forgiving

Now get off my side of the state.

And if we should see
One another in passing
Despite these techniques
There is sometimes no avoiding

There must be some kind of mistake

We'll raise high the white flags and
Bow heads and shake hands
Declaring the land we're on
Unamerican

We'll call it even

We'll call it even

I am the tower around which you orbited
I am not proud I am just taking orders
I fall to the ground within hours of impact
I hit back when hit and attack when attacked
And I am an accident waiting to happen
I'm laughing like mad as you strangle the captain
My place may be taken but make no mistake
From the little black box it can say without shame
That you've lost that you've lost
Do you know what you've lost

So take whatever you like
I'll strike like the states on fire
You won't sleep very tight
No hiding no safe cover
Make your bed and now lie
Just like you always do
You can fake it for the papers
But I'm on to you I'm on to you"

~Truce~ Dresden Dolls

I'm so upset on the inside and I feel tangled. And it's not even a relationship it's the bandmates. The comradery. And I see them often but I can tell that the bond is gone and it won't ever be the same and I'm not sure that I'm okay yet. I didn't take the time to mourn it...

Anyway. Batteries almost dead on the computer. I'm going to go.

Good night angels and angles. Time for me to rest.

Porch smokers unite!

I just realised how completely cool my friends and family are. Not because of some mushy gushy reason, but because they are just the shiz. My friends Molly, Stephanie, and Zach walk into my apartment and ask me whats on the tv. They totally accept that I'm watching Hamlet (the one with Julia Stiles and Christian Bale) and that I have just dowloaded a million songs on limewire that they will hate, but they will listen anyway. They bring me vodka and red bull and budweiser, while I look for the history of ann abandoned church in my hometown for the sake of history and urban exploration.

So as I listen to my awesome music, and listen to them on the balcony conversing, and as i read the subtitles on my television because I'm a multi-tasker like that, and drink my red bull and vodka...

I'm learning that I'm pretty awesome as well.