Married Lady

I must have been really drunk when I made that last post because I don't even remember writing it.

I'm listening to DeVotchKa and I love them, so.

Today has been a lazy lounge about kind of day. Not sure exactly what my goals were for today, but I know I was supposed to DO something...I'm totally rambling. Why was I posting?

Ah, yes.

So I'm married now. Don't really feel any different than I did before I got married, except I don't have the stress of worrying about a wedding or a messy break up if he got too irritated with me. I've been rather rebellious as of late because I'm not one to cow tow down to someone's way. My way or the highway never worked on me. I usually took the highway in those situations..and ended up in some interesting places.

Marriage is a funny thing, indeed. Tuesday night I got a call from my friend Britt telling me that a mutual friend of ours just found out that her husband cheated on her with some 18 year old, and it was completely premeditated and planned. The cheating asshole even went so far as to take down the pictures of his wife and two year old daughter before he went to pick up this girl and he didn't waste anytime making his intentions clear with the little hussy. Granted I blame him more than her, yet and still DON'T GIVE UP THE GOODS SO EASY!

I mean people are slinging vaginas around these days like cotton candy at the circus.

In any case he lives in Georgia where the military stationed him and his wife had just gone to see him Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The whole time she was there he was texting his "soldiers". And then Monday at around four he goes and picks the floosy up and sleeps with her, and then when his wife called? He told the girl that it was his "commanding officer".

His wife would have never found out if the girl hadn't found his myspace (which is now private-I wonder why) and sent a message to his wife saying she was sorry, that he told her he was divorced (which was true, he just failed to mention he married again and had a two year old daughter at home), and that he must be doing that with other girls because he seemed practiced at it.

Mmhmm.

At least my husband is only just a little anal retentive and is honest and loyal.

5

Jake and I get married in five days. I'm still up drinking vodka. I should have gotten more Red Bull to mix it with.

I love Amanda Palmer. Have I mentioned that?

The band is back together, sort of. We wrote three new songs. "Healing Powers of Time" , "Unfamiliar", and "High and Dry"....Plus all the other songs we had before OUR hiatus and then a few of the "synimatic" songs..Which make me angry because they're referred to as synimatic somgs even though they now belong to Sorrow....Pissed.

We're waiting for Opie. Although if Alan and Austin can get their shit together and just freaking ask him to be the drummer then...

Ugh. I'm just going to worry about getting married and let the rest fall into place.

Livid in the City

Sometimes I wish that there was some twenty-four hour hotline you could call just to bitch about things...Things that are so unimportant they are important...

I know that makes no sense.

I completely understand that men need porn. I understand that a male of 24 years old has the nearly unquenchable desire to have sex 24/7/365. I also understand that when anyone is in a relationship for longer than six months he may occasionally fantasize about someone else.

But you don't SAY their name. Especially not when you are in the middle of the best love making session you may possibly have ever had, or will EVER have.

I almost thought that I didn't hear it..It was the name "Jessica" and I thought, "WHAT? Who the HELL is Jessica?" and then I thought, certainly not. In the middle of kissing my forhead in the middle of sex..Surely it was just a groan, a different sounding groan...

And then this morning I was trying to upload some photos to photobucket and when i hit the upload button this box pops up with stuff that's saved on the computer. Now, mind you, he deleted all the porn he had off of the computer and all the hard-drives...So I'm like..Did he forget this? Was this accidental?

It was buried DEEP within a folder--which was in another folder, and then another folder, and then ANOTHER folder--and it was created, when, you might ask? Yesterday afternoon while I was asleep. I thought that he might have been on a porn site that downloaded it without him knowing...It opens with WINDOWS MEDIA PLAYER. Not to mention the fact that one of the pictures that popped up was of Emma Watson that someone edited to make her look all naked and I was the one who accidentally found it (I recently started reading Twilight and my FH suggested that I go to Rule 34 [If it exists there's porn of it] to see if there was, indeed porn of it and the picture was on the first page.)


There was porn of Jessica Alba, Nicole Kidman, and Halle Berry, of all people....and then when I was outside smoking in a rage, I realised....Jessica ALBA...HE WAS THINKING ABOUT JESSICA ALBA WHILE MAKING LOVE TO ME BETTER THAN HE EVER HAS!!!!!!!

I'm livid. I am furious. I have never been so embarassed in my life, and on top of all this my sex drive, which after that AWESOME sex was like over the moon, has now dropped down to -100%. I think..I'm a NUN!!! NUN!!! And NONE is what he'll be getting...

And I have no proof on if that is what he said or not, but it just makes to much sense!!

His only response to my informing him that they were there was, "What???"

No secrets among friends.

So, tonight was totally fucked up. I don't know how it happened, but it did. Once again i am the least drunk of anyone that was in my house tonight. I think I need to stop drinking for a month or so and go from there.

I've never been on the computer in bed. This is a weird thing for me.

Tonight I am playing at open mic night and I'm almost terrified. I only played and sang at the same time once by myself in public and I was scared out of my skin. So bad that I fucked up really bad. But nobody noticed and I guess thats the best thing anyone can hope for.

Hey. Been tryin to meetchoo.

Love the Pixies.

I want to say so much but at the same time I don't. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing anymore I don't think. I've been diagnosed as depressed but I already knew that. My whole body hurts. Cigarettes make me nauseous. Food makes me nauseous. Mountain Dew makes me nauseous. Moving gives me a headache...Make that migraine. My back is killing me.

Born to multiply. Born to gaze into night skies.

I love the Shins.

I have been so stressed out over...something...That my left eye keeps twitching and I haven't started my period yet. It may be the stress and the depression together, but one or the other or both have fucked me up.

Haven't laughed since January. You try to make like this is so much fun, but we know it to be quite contrary.

Still love the Shins.

I don't have the tv on. I'm done with all the bullshit of tonight...And there was quite a good portion of it.

There was a power outage tonight...It was insane. Me and Steph were on the balcony smoking and all of the sudden the power in the apartment flashed a bunch of times and there were booming sounds with it and then the power went out completely and there was a gigantic, echoing, boom! And it was dark for a while and me and Steph were like...WTF! And then through the darkness we hear Opie in the house--by himself say, "I'm scared!!!"

It was sore funny. And WEIRD.

Blow off Sorrow goodbye tomorrow.

Yeh...Coheed.

I had one of those once. I had a tomorrow with Sorrow. Now I'm on my own and the thing that got me through for so long is over and no more Sorrow of Her Evil and I'm a solo act. I never knew how much the band meant to me until it was suddenly over and gone and...Blow off
Sorrow--GOODBYE tomorrow.

I'm going after the solo piano thing. But I don't know if I can do this on my own. I've been in a band with three other people for so long that I don't know...

And when I didn't have anything I always had the band...and now all I do is sit at the house and obsess about the future and wait on it to get here.

And I'm so sad now.

This says it all...Ta, Amanda...

"You can have Washington
I'll take New Jersey
You can have London but I want
New York City

I should get Providence
I've got a job now
Los Angeles obvious
That's where you belong now

You can have Africa, Asia, Australia
As long as you keep your hands
Off of Cafe Pamplona

We can split Germany
Right down the middle
You'd hate it there anyway
Take Berlin

And we'll call it even

You can have all of the
Carry on baggage
I'll trade the saskia jokes
For the alphabet language

And special occasions
We'll split between parents
Who forced them to hate them
On alternating weekends

You call it over and
I call you psycho
Signifigant other
Just say we were lovers

And we'll call it even

We'll call it even

I am the ground zero ex-friend you ordered
Desguised as a hero to get past your borders
I know when I'm wanted
I'll leave if you ask me to
Mind my own business
And speak when I'm spoken to
I am the tower around which you orbited
I am not proud I am just taking orders
I fall to the ground within hours of impact
I hit back when hit and attack when attacked

You get route two
Between Concord and Lexington
I want Mass Ave.
From the square to my apartment

And if we should meet
Through some misunderstanding
I'll be very sweet,
Very patient,
And forgiving

Now get off my side of the state.

And if we should see
One another in passing
Despite these techniques
There is sometimes no avoiding

There must be some kind of mistake

We'll raise high the white flags and
Bow heads and shake hands
Declaring the land we're on
Unamerican

We'll call it even

We'll call it even

I am the tower around which you orbited
I am not proud I am just taking orders
I fall to the ground within hours of impact
I hit back when hit and attack when attacked
And I am an accident waiting to happen
I'm laughing like mad as you strangle the captain
My place may be taken but make no mistake
From the little black box it can say without shame
That you've lost that you've lost
Do you know what you've lost

So take whatever you like
I'll strike like the states on fire
You won't sleep very tight
No hiding no safe cover
Make your bed and now lie
Just like you always do
You can fake it for the papers
But I'm on to you I'm on to you"

~Truce~ Dresden Dolls

I'm so upset on the inside and I feel tangled. And it's not even a relationship it's the bandmates. The comradery. And I see them often but I can tell that the bond is gone and it won't ever be the same and I'm not sure that I'm okay yet. I didn't take the time to mourn it...

Anyway. Batteries almost dead on the computer. I'm going to go.

Good night angels and angles. Time for me to rest.

Porch smokers unite!

I just realised how completely cool my friends and family are. Not because of some mushy gushy reason, but because they are just the shiz. My friends Molly, Stephanie, and Zach walk into my apartment and ask me whats on the tv. They totally accept that I'm watching Hamlet (the one with Julia Stiles and Christian Bale) and that I have just dowloaded a million songs on limewire that they will hate, but they will listen anyway. They bring me vodka and red bull and budweiser, while I look for the history of ann abandoned church in my hometown for the sake of history and urban exploration.

So as I listen to my awesome music, and listen to them on the balcony conversing, and as i read the subtitles on my television because I'm a multi-tasker like that, and drink my red bull and vodka...

I'm learning that I'm pretty awesome as well.

When did the world go crazy?

I need an Amanda day. I need a day all to myself where I get a massage, my nails done, my make up (done well, that is), eyebrows waxed, fiance loving, etc.

This all is getting ridiculous.

1. Don't talk about me behind my back. It just gets back around to me eventually and then you look like a total asshole.

2.Just ignore/delete shit you don't want to see. That's what I do. If I don't like it, or if I think it's stupid I delete it. There's no need to go all wonky over a facebook or myspace application. Come on now. PEACE PEOPLE PEACE.

3.I'm so tired of CRAP. Tonight was the diarrea frosting on the shit cake that was this week. I need to not have to talk a friend down from doing drugs or killing themselves for a hot minute. Give me a month or two to sort my stuff out, PUHLEASE.

4. I hate people who cannot have an intelligent arguement. When I say, "You are a chauvanist pig who has no idea what loyalty, honesty, faithfulness, and respect mean," and you retort with, "Are you fucking stupid? You're just an emo faggy bitch who posts middle-school shit on myspace. And your band sucks," who sounds middle school here?

My response?

"No, YOU are fucking stupid for thinking that you are anything but an ugly ogre of a man that looks like Shrek and acts like a sixteen year old. You're a waste of the salt it took to make you. Lose this number."

Your response?

"Lose your fucking life, bitch. Enjoy your "small town" existance."

Me?

"I actually like my life pretty well, so I don't think I'll lose it anytime soon. I'm sorry that your existance is so unfulfilling. I actually don't live in a small town anymore. I live with my fiance in the city..who, by the way, is a good man and doesn't want to have sex with every girl in town. You don't know anything about me, and the last time you ever saw me or anything about me was three years ago. I grew up. Looks like you just got more ignorant."

You?

"Is he blind? You're a worthless piece of shit. You both are. Fuck off emo faggy bitch."

Me--Finally fed up with being called an emo faggy bitch.....

"Go fuck yourself off a cliff. I'll never be worthless because I have people who love me--something you will never understand. I'm sorry your mommy didn't love you, thus you take your hatred of women out on everyone with a vagina, but I'm not going to pretend that you scare me at all. Conversation is over, you can have the last word if it makes you feel like a big scary man!!

I might be an emo faggy bitch but at least I'm happy that way...."

I finally left it like that.

All this for defending a friend.

4. If ONE more person says that they are going to kill themselves and I have to talk them down I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.




Yesterday and last night were supposed to be a relaxing evening in which I got to chill out and not have to deal with anybody else's shit. I just turned into the worst night out of the whole past few weeks where I've been dealing with everybody's quarter life crisis for them. I finally lost it tonight. I was so angry that I started crying in the middle of the bar.

It's just that I was so pissed off at everything that I couldn't find words, just tears.

Second break down of the day.

I just want for once for someone to ask if I'm okay. Just once for someone to be grateful for the things I do to take care of them, instead of sorry when it comes down to this breakdown and they've put all their shit on me because it looks to them as if I have no problems.

I just know how to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

I need a day to fix myself. Just for me. I need to be around people who won't give me shit to deal with, I need to be in a place where I can just breathe fresh air and feel the sun on my face, I need to feel like there is a place for me to go with people who care about me where I can just be...

JUST BE.

Maybe this next week.

I think Molly is going to end up married to Alan. I'm not sure why I think this, I just do...

God, it's been a crappy day.

Someone please tell me that I'm not the only one who has this problem!!?

Exhausted and it looks good on me.

Let me tell you about the ridiculousness that was tonight.

I got really bored and decided to go out and sing karaoke. I have this favorite spot to do this called Base Camp. Glorious little place. They have open mic night on Mondays and Tuesdays that I am too chicken shit to play at because I know everybody there and it could get really embarassing because I always fuck up my own shit. There's nothing worse than that as far as embarassment.

In any case, on Wednesdays and Thursdays they have karaoke with my buddy Jeff who runs it. Kamikaze Karaoke..Cheesy, but it makes for great entertainment when he picks a song for someone to sing that is totally beyond the person singing.

So I went out with my buddies Johnny and Jarod, met up with Dan and Rodderick. LJ was bartending and everything was right with the world. We do this thing where we pick a theme and see who wins. Tonight was a Top Gun-off, an emo-off, Elton John-off, Country-off...I won the emo-off, but the others I'm not sure. It was pretty fabulous. At one point I sang "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" by Reba McIntyre. I won that one I know.

Halfway through the night these two guys walk in. One looks like Peter Frampton circa "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" the movie with the Bee Gees..and the other looked lik Sunshine from "Remember the Titans"...Both were dressed like they were from Sweden via Australia-very buff, very pretty and oiled down looking. I asked them why they were dressed like that and "Peter Frampton" says, "We walked here."

I said, "From where? Switzerland?"

He said, "Montevallo".

That is a place that is about a forty five minute drive from here...Crazy kids.

So I asked "Sunshine" why they would do such a crazy thing. He said, "Life. You get a job and you go to work and that becomes your life. That's not life. So we went for a walk."

I was like, damn. That is fucking cool. Now, don't get me wrong "Sunshine" was a fucking douche who has supermodel good looks, is ripped like paper, tan, blonde, and blue eyed. What I call "Hitler's Dream". But the looks this guy gave were so ridiculous. Had I been single and naive I might have fallen for it. In my current state, however (jaded as fuck), I was laughing hysterically at him to his face almost.

Just before they left he leans forward and picks my pendant up. It's a silver cross with garnets..He asks, "What does this mean?"

Are you fucking kidding? I get the mysterious act, but jeez.

So I say, " I believe in God."

He just looked at me like I was the most interesting, alien being he'd ever seen...

I laughed my ass off tonight.

I'm listening to Mandy and it's reminding me I need to call my mom. I love my mom. She's the shit.

Jarod kept making THE funniest faces. He was trying to make the Billy Idol face and it just looked like he was an angry lumberjack..Oh, damn..It was sore funny.

There was another guy that came in and sang, "I Feel Good" by James Brown...AWFUL person. One of those ugly guys who thinks they're the be all and end all and is bouncing around like an idiot. If I'd rolled my eyes any harder they would have popped into the back of my skull. There were these two girls...Bless their hearts they were trying...But they knew too many Cindi Lauper lyrics, and to many Michael Jackson lyrics...I'm talking obscure shit.

I, too, wish I hadn't missed the 80's, but come on.

All around it was a fantastic night of goofing off, being stupid, getting all the attention--cause I can get drunk on that alone--and generally causing an uproar.

There is this girl that goes in there all the time..Last week for my birthday we went in there to hang out and this girl was there. Nothing unusual. We had been playing pool and were sitting next to the pool tables when our game was over. She kept bending over and sticking her ass in Jake's face and I was getting pissed. Finally she moved.

Jake had a dream about her last night and told me about it when he got up.

We were at Base Camp, same senario. She come up to him and starts hitting on him and he says THIS in his dream:

"Let me see if I've got this straight, Barbie. You peaked too early, and at the rip old age of fourteen you learned to sling leg. You are way too skinny, but I just saw you wolf down a cheeseburger and immediately run to the bathroom, and I'm pretty sure you aren't the gym type girl. So now whenever you look in the mirror you see a bolemic whore who has to boost her self esteem by trying to get with every taken guy at the bar?"

While he's telling me this story I'm very proud and super amused. He looks at me and says, "And you were making that face!!"

Tonight when she walked in the bar I choked on my vodka and nearly fell out of my chair laughing my ass off. I think I scared a few people, but who cares.

This song is super underated. "All for Love" by Ryan Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting.

It's really fucking good, but gets over looked for "Everything I Do" from the Robin Hood:Prince of Theives soundtrack.

Shame shame shame.

I got "My Alcoholic Friends" dedicated to me to night. Highlight of my evening seeing the faces on folks when it got to "I'm taking back the number of the beast cause six is not a pretty number."

For some reason it's astonishing.

I love Amanda Palmer. It's a total bummer for me that she's famous cause I wanna be her best friend. I just think she's the shit, and she sings like me and writes what I wish i could fucking write.

It's that way sometimes. You hear a song and go, "Damn I wish I'd written that!!!" And then you feel unaccomplished and go write a series of songs that if you put them together JUST NEARLY match up to the one that inspired your writing binge.

Does anybody else remember the Sleeping Beauty musical with Morgan Fairchild in it? I just found the movie on youtube in parts and I had totally forgotten it's magic spell. I was the red faery from that movie for Halloween when I was seven.

I just realised that I had a very magical childhood. I had faeries and wisteria vines, swimming and and open field to run in. I had a great kidhood. It was awesome. In my mind there were way more hedge mazes and brick roads than there actually were, and me and my best friend weren't ACTUALLY mermaids. Or were we?

I can't wait to move to the country. I'm going to make sure that our kids never ever are bored.

I'll hide treasure in the woods or I'll hang crystals for the girls to play in.

It's going to be fantastic.

Well, I think it's time for me to head to bed. When my body starts to wear down like it is and I yawn more than twice in fifteen minutes it's time to throw in the towel.

So good night, and I'll see you later today.